Saturday, September 26, 2009

From "Fall" (1997)


So, a few days ago, I started on a very painful path of waking up at 5 a.m. It's not something of choice, it's definitely forced by my body. Anyway, the first morning this happened, I tried to go back to sleep, then went and watched TV. There was very little on, which is kind of hard to believe with 200 channels. Anyway, I flipped to a movie called "Fall", which is an indie flick about a cab driver and supermodel who have a fling. Far from the creepy movie that it sounds like from its short description, it was very good (and I don't like sappy movies really). Anyway, what I wanted to share was the monologue at the end, which is in the form of a letter that the cab driver sends:

I've wanted to tell you for awhile now. I wanted to say it as you reached for a tea cup in your kitchen after our 'why do we always have to eat Chinese food on your floor?' fight and make up...

...I wanted to say it as the moonlight shone on you as you slept in your bed the first night we made love there...

...when I felt your heart racing against my chest in your suite foyer in Spain when you first saw your roses...

...But mostly, I wanted to say it the last night I saw you, as I held you in my arms; looking down at your precious face knowingly looking up at me, still inside you. Quiet, motionless but so inside you...

I wanted so badly to tell you that I loved you. The words, each time, graced my lips like an impostor, only to fall away like some great blizzard that was taken out to sea to rain its fury on the dark ocean, alone, unbeknownst to any hearing. I was afraid you would take them as a responsibility. I was afraid they would frighten you. I pray that you can hear them for what they are, and not mar them with the knowledge that they stand apart from your ability to reciprocate them...

Please take them in your heart and feel them with your eyes closed and your soul open... for just a moment, my voice speaking them softly in your ear with a kiss... Sarah, I love you.

...I love you. Baby, I love you. I know you can't love me right now, and it's all right. But I wanted you to know, what you already knew, outside, in the light... I wanted you to hear it from me...

...when you smile, when your head lightly moves to dance, when your tongue finds my lips, when you ramble over a glass of wine...

...when you sit naked, after you've made love with me, when you act boldly, when you laugh, when you squeeze my hand...

...when you call my name in a gruff whisper, when your heart races on my chest in a close embrace... when you love me... I love you.

What I'm sad about is selfish. I'm sad at God's timing. I am only a man. And as a man, I miss you. I miss you terribly. I miss your kiss. I miss your smile, oh, how I miss your smile. But most of all I miss the moment that hasn't happened yet. The moment when you let yourself fall for me. Your racing mind, your hard beating heart, the expectancy, the yearning, the warmth, the thoughts, the love of your love. The Sarah of you in love with me.

What makes it hard for me is knowing how much you care for me. How much, in a way, you do love me. How much you would enjoy smiling wryly as you hurled yourself backwards off the cliff and said, "catch me baby." If I didn't know that, I could make you a villain, me a victim and soothe myself. But I can't because it isn't the truth. The truth, we both know... the truth is... not today.

I know that you're not leaving Phillipe for me, and I wouldn't want you to. I would want you to leave him for you. I also know you would never fly a million miles just to see me smile at you. Someday maybe, but not today.

So I guess I better disappear, Sarah. I know you'll be okay, and soon I will be too. And maybe, just maybe, if god so desires, a day will come when, as friends, we will find ourselves accidentally strolling along the white cliffs of Dover, or the mountain rocks of Mendocino, or the bonnie, emerald north of the Scottish seaboard...

... or the glistening harbor of old New York, and from the heights, in the stars, among the angels whose arms will cradle us, in a moment neither of us was told about but knew like our oldest happiness, we will look into each other's eyes and know... it is today. It is today. And whether that day is tomorrow, or next week, or next year, or next lifetime...

...I will finally get to tell you to your sweet face. The face I will miss more than I could ever tell, that... I love you. And you'll smile wryly, close your eyes, say "catch me baby,"

...and fall.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Something I need(ed) to hear


Over the summer, I decided that I would do away with all of the music that legitimately wasn't mine. If I didn't have a CD of it, I didn't really own it. So, I got rid of over 6 years of il1egally downloaded music. Anyway, along with a lot of crappy music also went a good band: needtobreathe. However, slowly but surely, I've been buying CD's of the artists that I miss, artists that I still need to hear every once in a while. So, this past week I brought needtobreathe's 3 CD's, which I like to just pop in and listen all of the way through. Anyway, some lyrics caught my ear for the first time, and I thought I'd share them. If I needed to hear them, perhaps one of you out there also need to (breathe) hear them as well:

Every heart goes down and every fire goes out, when we don’t hurt anymore. I know it’s all my fault that you’re behind this wall, but I’ll be here when you break it. When you let it down.

I’m giving you my heart to break again, I’m leaving you a way to get back in.

Return to me.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Mister Joe


This blog is about my man, Mr. Joe Wilson. No, I'm neither being sarcastic, nor am I a rabid NObama-niac (did I just make a new word?). However, I understand completely the position from which Joe Wilson is coming. He (and many of his constituents) have been reading the bill that is currently put forth, have been listening to the President's speeches, and noting that the two do not agree on very large fronts. [As a side note, intention when writing a bill and how it can be interpreted when put into action are two very different things sometimes.]

He is forced to appear on television in front of the rest of Congress to listen to a speech about health care reform. Say what you want about the Daily Show, but I think they've got one thing right: "If [the president and his cabinet] say something often enough, it becomes true."

Repeatedly have misleading statements been made by the President, namely that 43 million people are without health care, and that illegal aliens will not be covered by this plan. Most people would put that together and believe that either a) Illegal aliens had not been counted in that plan and they won't be covered or b) Illegal aliens were counted in that plan and they will be covered. However, neither of those statements are true.

So, Mister Wilson decided to do the same thing that the President had been doing to his face for the past 20 minutes: become blunt about opposition to his own view; he simply said, "You lie!" Now, if you think that these were the only heated words coming from this speech, think about the fact that Obama was essentially saying earlier that all opponents of the bill are simply people that employ scare tactics to get the way of the special interest groups. Essentially, he called all of them people that take bribes to strike unnecessary fear into the heart of Americans. To me, that sounds much more like name calling than "You lie!"

However, I'm digressing. Why am I behind Joe Wilson? First, I'm glad that people are so willing to show their disagreement when (what they see as) imaginative ideology is shoved down their throats, they disagree with a voracity that matches the level of ridiculousness of the rhetoric. Second, when people are lied to from an authority position, they should not simply sit there pensively. Something needs to be done when lies are present and building upon one another.

When I was in 8th grade, I went a major part of a youth group that was doing major things. We started pushing 200 people in a youth service in the middle of the week, while the normal service on Sunday was barely getting above 300 a week. We were tight as a leadership team, everything was going quite successfully until the Pastor decided he did not agree with what the Youth Pastor was doing. Some say that it was jealousy that caused the tension, but whatever happened, the Youth Pastor resigned under the tension.

The Sunday after this happened, every single youth sat on the back two rows instead of our normal front three rows. The pastor was not present. In his stead, he had the senior deacon stand up and give a prepared statement. Suffice it to say that the statement was misleading, inappropriate, and almost slanderous (in its implications about the actions of the Youth Pastor). When I heard the first deliberate lie, I immediately got up noisily from my chair and left the sanctuary.

Later on, I wished to God in Heaven that I had confronted that deacon in front of the congregation. Would it have caused a huge stir in a Baptist church? Heck yes. Would it have been more of a dialogue than the filth that was being spoken from the pulpit? Yes. Unfortunately with my exit, it only highlighted the lie to a few select people. I wish, in that situation, I had acted more like Joe Wilson for the sake of Truth.