Sunday, February 21, 2010

I hate running

I really do. Yesterday was the first time I had to run for time... since 10th grade? Wow, it really has been that long. No, I'm not out of shape (at all). I recently joined CrossFit Charlottesville, which is a group of athletes determined to become as fit as they can be. However, currently, I'm stuck in the beginner's section, the On Ramp Class. They introduce the movements to us three times a week, and after four weeks, we're allowed to join in the regular classes. So far they haven't been terribly difficult. I've gotten through all of the workouts in less than 6:00.

Yesterday, they decided to add running to the movements that we had learned that day (lunges and jumping pullups). It wasn't that long, 3x200m. However, this was a workout that I suspected I would be beaten handily by at least one person. Especially when one girl is wearing a shirt that says "Runner."

Anyway, they start the clock off, and I'm not on the front line. I jog most of the way, touch the marker, run back, and start my lunges. The three coaches are cheering all of us on just in general. I get done with my jumping pullups right after the runner girl and head back out, but way behind her.

Feeling pretty good, I keep my pace on the way back, and I see one of the trainers outside watching us run towards him; he yells, "Don't let him catch you!"

Then I realize that he's making it a race, and he's choosing her side. I've definitely seen it before. I nearly pass her on lunges (let her have the inside track on the turn) and, once again, finish my pull ups right after her. On the run out, she's still a good 20 feet ahead of me. However, I get the marker right as she does. Fortunately, I still have plenty of energy left, so I continue at a pace slightly higher than the one I just ran at.

Now the other trainers are watching, and the other two have taken my side. I slowly take the turn in, brush my feet off. The runner zips in from the other door and starts lunging beside me. I once again give her the inside track, because I know that I can out-lunge her.

We're done with lunges at the same time, and head towards our last set of jumping pull ups. I crank them out faster than I have that day (mainly because she got a fraction of a second head start on me) and finish marginally faster than she did.

Don't worry, I gave her a high five afterwards.

This is why I wanted to CrossFit.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Like a yo-yo

I've noticed a nice, little cyclic nature to my romantic feelings. I don't know how valid either of these viewpoints are at the this points, and I definitely feel like I'm shifting towards the latter, which is no problem. Usually the shifting between these two modes comes naturally, and each lasts a good bit of time. Anyway, I've decided to share some thoughts about each of these viewpoints, and how (and why) I move from one mode to the other.

The first mode is independence. Let's face it: as a modern American, I enjoy being able to think that either I can do it all myself, or, as from my Christian perspective, that I can do it all with God. Just me and God. There's a bit of biblical evidence towards this end, mainly the quote from Paul that implies that Christian's lives will be for the better if they remain single (and are called to do so).

I'm not gonna lie; at times I've believed I'm one of those people. These weren't down points whatsoever, they were in fact very invigorating moments of my life (I will put a little caveat in here that sometimes I get a little bullheaded talking about this with women), one in which I believe I got grand visions from God on what he could do in my life (alternatively, those could have just been grand dreams that I made up to include God just so that I could justify my current position.

Another reason why I find credence in this mode is that I view all of the expectation from parents/friends/relatives to be a love life, that simply does not match up at all with who I am. I also find it very peculiar that the only people that are giving me advice are people who are married. I've met a few older people that have lived a life of celibacy willingly, and they definitely have some wisdom about them that makes their way of life just invigorating!

Anyway, the way I usually get into this mode of thinking is that I become frustrated with a woman I've been pursuing, give up, and try to re-evaluate my choices (not referencing the women out there, but the choices I have in my own actions). After a long period of peace, I usually come out on the other side to this independent streak.

The second mode is, of course, seeking and pursuing. Initially in this period, I usually recognize deep longings within me that have long remained dormant, yet have seemed to grow stronger still. Once I begin to exercise what these longings actually mean for my actions, I find myself able to seek who a woman is. Now, I've had plenty of thoughts that would make for quite a long post, so I'll sum it up in a quote: "To love [someone] is to see them as God intended them." -Dostoevsky.

I find that one whom my longings have been pointing towards and try to treat her (whether she is responsive or not initially) as I would treat the person God intends them to be. This bolsters the parts of them that really remind me of Christ and forgive the parts that are well off of the mark.

Actually, saying how this mode starts is a bit of a chicken/egg circular argument. I can't say whether it's God speaking to me in my inner self that awakens the longings, then seeking a woman, or whether my truly seeing a woman well finally awakens the longings within. They seem to coincide, or at least come very quickly, one after another.

Anyway, when I am in this mode, I feel like more of a complete person, because it really tests the boundaries of my emotional self, for good or ill.

I have no clue what to do with this, but I'm guessing God does.

Saturday, February 6, 2010



A term that comes from computer usage. To reboot a computer is to start it up again after a computer crash. Hence, “reboot” has the connotation of starting a process over again.

The American Heritage® New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy, Third Edition

I think enough of Web 2.0 has gone into disrepair into the land of the forgotten that you'll forgive me that I haven't been on here in many months. It took the wisdom of a very good friend of mine for me to:
1) Appreciate the written word (especially my own).
2) Remember the importance of introspection.
I'm not going to lie, I really only like writing things down once I already have them all set in my head. This aspect of me also bleeds out into other areas of my life, sometimes to my chagrin. In other words, unless I'm sure that I approve of what the idea is, I'm usually not comfortable with sharing that idea with others.

I think at some point in the space below this entry, life became what it did. I figured out something. I can know what I need very well. Unfortunately, sometimes my mind is so disassociated with my heart (and my being) that when confronted with how I need to be transforming, I am content with stating verbally (and mentally) what I need to do, what I can bring up like a script at a press conference. Sometimes, it even convinces myself. But, when I come to places of normalcy in my life, where I'm not confronted with myself, I am able to say to myself, "tomorrow," and leave it there.

I read something very interesting in this period of blog-silence. It was referring to monasticism, and its effect on the monks themselves. Monks went to monasteries for many reasons, but one thing is fairly obvious, is that the usual temptations that the rest of the world is not that present in the monastery. Within the monastery, monks no longer face murder or adultery on a daily basis. Instead, they endure the very real presence of normalcy. Inside their sanitized environment, that which seems like a given becomes an obedient and life-giving act of worship.

At the beginning of the year, my church decided to begin to better define membership (it's a young church). They asked for people that were seriously dedicated to the church to take on a rule of life. This rule of life has three aspects: sex, money, and power. For over a month, I made careful observations and listening periods to try and figure out how God wanted me to take my vows in each of these areas. However, I came to realize that most of my problems exist because I almost always leave God out of the normal areas in my life, as if to say that I wish my ordinary not to become extraordinary.

God is slowly correcting what has been covered for far too long, recovering my desire, my feelings, my soul. I don't know where are a lot of things are going, which is comforting, as it means I'm not in control, and the world is much bigger than I.

-a member of all souls