Saturday, February 13, 2010

Like a yo-yo

I've noticed a nice, little cyclic nature to my romantic feelings. I don't know how valid either of these viewpoints are at the this points, and I definitely feel like I'm shifting towards the latter, which is no problem. Usually the shifting between these two modes comes naturally, and each lasts a good bit of time. Anyway, I've decided to share some thoughts about each of these viewpoints, and how (and why) I move from one mode to the other.

The first mode is independence. Let's face it: as a modern American, I enjoy being able to think that either I can do it all myself, or, as from my Christian perspective, that I can do it all with God. Just me and God. There's a bit of biblical evidence towards this end, mainly the quote from Paul that implies that Christian's lives will be for the better if they remain single (and are called to do so).

I'm not gonna lie; at times I've believed I'm one of those people. These weren't down points whatsoever, they were in fact very invigorating moments of my life (I will put a little caveat in here that sometimes I get a little bullheaded talking about this with women), one in which I believe I got grand visions from God on what he could do in my life (alternatively, those could have just been grand dreams that I made up to include God just so that I could justify my current position.

Another reason why I find credence in this mode is that I view all of the expectation from parents/friends/relatives to be a love life, that simply does not match up at all with who I am. I also find it very peculiar that the only people that are giving me advice are people who are married. I've met a few older people that have lived a life of celibacy willingly, and they definitely have some wisdom about them that makes their way of life just invigorating!

Anyway, the way I usually get into this mode of thinking is that I become frustrated with a woman I've been pursuing, give up, and try to re-evaluate my choices (not referencing the women out there, but the choices I have in my own actions). After a long period of peace, I usually come out on the other side to this independent streak.

The second mode is, of course, seeking and pursuing. Initially in this period, I usually recognize deep longings within me that have long remained dormant, yet have seemed to grow stronger still. Once I begin to exercise what these longings actually mean for my actions, I find myself able to seek who a woman is. Now, I've had plenty of thoughts that would make for quite a long post, so I'll sum it up in a quote: "To love [someone] is to see them as God intended them." -Dostoevsky.

I find that one whom my longings have been pointing towards and try to treat her (whether she is responsive or not initially) as I would treat the person God intends them to be. This bolsters the parts of them that really remind me of Christ and forgive the parts that are well off of the mark.

Actually, saying how this mode starts is a bit of a chicken/egg circular argument. I can't say whether it's God speaking to me in my inner self that awakens the longings, then seeking a woman, or whether my truly seeing a woman well finally awakens the longings within. They seem to coincide, or at least come very quickly, one after another.

Anyway, when I am in this mode, I feel like more of a complete person, because it really tests the boundaries of my emotional self, for good or ill.

I have no clue what to do with this, but I'm guessing God does.